Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Keep reading, it's worth it.

From The Official Website for Vincent Gallo Merchandise

Vincent Gallo's Sperm


$1 Million

...Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

**Clicking "Buy Now" will charge a $1,000 deposit via Paypal. The remaining balance will be due by cashiers check, wire transfer, or personal check and is due within seven days of purchase date. Item will ship when full payment has cleared.

4 Comments:

Blogger ptm said...

I refuse to believe this is real. There's no way on God's green earth or the Devil's red hell that someone would actually write that as anything but a joke. Can someone who knows more than me about checking webpages assure me that "vgmerchandise.com" is registered to, like, Comedy Central or Roger Ebert or something?

If this is legit...wow. Just...wow. I don't know what's more disturbing: the stuff about the gential size, the whole racist/Jews-with-German soldier-parents section, or the fact that elsewhere on the site he's charginig $50 for the soundtrack to The Brown Bunny. Probably the racist stuff.

1:23 AM  
Blogger uglyagnes said...

I can't believe someone already bought the yogi berra book. thats what i wanted!

7:20 AM  
Blogger Stewart Porter said...

I have heard this from many sources, so I believe it to be true. Unfortunately the Ad does not warn about the child's future potential to make shitty, wannna-be post modernist, films with the faint hope of a "smut or art" debate for some sort of artistic legitamcy.

There is a chance Chloƫ Sevigny is behind it all. I wouldn't doubt she's been stockpiling.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Vladimir Arunovich Ciampi said...

Vincent Gallo used to be a hustler. I'm a hustler baby, he should say in his ad, just to let people know his agenda. That he's now making post-modern films in hollywood shows you that anything is possible in this country. Especially if you're hung like a Brown Bunny.

7:40 PM  

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