Saturday, December 17, 2005

Like a goddam roach...

Cracked Magazine, the venerable, and entirely unfunny Mad Magazine ripoff, probably best known as a throwaway Bart Simpson reference, is back from the dead. Like a roach, this miserable rag simply WILL NOT DIE. Back when I was eight, after I'd read my MAD magazine cover to cover, I would buy this trash out of sheer desperation. Even then I knew it wasn't even marginally funny. Now it's back with a new website. I invite you to experience the bottom-of-the-barrel humor of Cracked. If anything you read in Cracked makes you laugh out loud, as god as my witness I will give you a bouquet of diamond rainbows.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Heil Ditler

The Simon Weisenthal Center protested to the South Korean embassy in the U.S. against two clubs in Korea which used Nazi symbols for decor. The Weisenthal Center demanded the intervention of the South Korean government to close down the 'Hitler Techno Bar and Cocktail Show' and the 'Gestapo' billiard club. Following this protest, the club owner announced that he would change the name of the club from 'Hitler' to 'Ditler'.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Keep reading, it's worth it.

From The Official Website for Vincent Gallo Merchandise

Vincent Gallo's Sperm

$1 Million

...Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

**Clicking "Buy Now" will charge a $1,000 deposit via Paypal. The remaining balance will be due by cashiers check, wire transfer, or personal check and is due within seven days of purchase date. Item will ship when full payment has cleared.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Can you hear me now? Wait, I don't have a cell phone.

I was at the mall the other day with my family, and we were all, "I'll call you wife, and daughter you call mom, and mom, I'll call son." And we're all set to meet up when we're done shopping... but then I realize... there's a problem! I don't have a cell phone. Somehow, over the last, oh, eight years, it just slipped my mind. Then, get this, I realize, my family doesn't have cell phones either, and they're all "wait, I don't have a cell phone!"

It's fucking crazy!

We're at the mall, making plans to call one another to meet up when we're done shopping, when all of sudden we all realize NONE OF US OWN CELL PHONES! It's INSANE.

Two words.


Okay, in all seriousness, either you know the commercial I'm talking about, or you think I'm a babbling idiot--it's this verizon commercial where this family all realizes none of them have cell phones. And it's fucking dumb.

Who can relate to this? Who the hell doesn't have a cell phone yet? And if you don't it's either because you can't afford one--in which case this commercial is irrelevant, or because you're intentionally not getting one--in which case this obnoxious family isn't doing anything to convince you.

Louis Vitton's Mario Kart, powered by Lexus

Video game ads work, study says - The Boston Globe:
Part of the reason is that video game advertising has evolved beyond a billboard ad on a screen. Now, companies can feature dynamic commercials and intertwine their brands into the story lines of games, such as a murder victim who was about to sign a contract with fashion designer Lacoste in the ''Law & Order: Justice is Served" game. Meanwhile, Bang & Olufsen will showcase its high-end electronics stores along with Swiss watchmaker TAG Heuer in Tycoon City: New York, an Atari game due early next year.
Good, I can finally get that sense of realism I've been looking for when checking the time in Tycoon City: New York. And I could never possibly play as Det. Ed Green if he's wearing anything less than a full LeCoste ensemble. Oh, wait, I don't care about any of that...because I'll never ever play those games. When will someone conduct a study that concludes that advertising is more effective when used in a good video game that people actually want to play?

Sunday, December 04, 2005


Clearly the SNL writers have been reading Tone Deaf Company. Not only did they comment on X-Box crashes, they made a joke about the teen-repellent "mosquito" device and jazz records.

This unattributed appropriation must stop!


Thursday, December 01, 2005

I'll move to any town with free nachos... takers... no?

CHICAGO (AFP) - A Texas town has changed its name to DISH in exchange for 10 years of free satellite television service.

All 125 residents of the town formerly known as Clark will get basic service and a free digital video recorder satellite TV receiver, a move that has some people joking that the Fort-Worth suburb will become a town of couch potatoes.

"We joke that in ten years everyone will come out and say wow when they see the light," said secretary Michelle Going, 32.

read on.